I had hoped to be writing this post to share our news of a new life and heartbeat that God had breathed into my womb... I had hoped to post a picture of the little heartbeat we anxiously awaited... I had hoped to share the incredible story of how God delivered the news of a new blessing in our family the day before the baby we lost was due to be born... I had hoped to celebrate my 33 birthday yesterday with a group of friends that have ushered me along this journey back to life after a time of grief...
Hope was replaced by despair yesterday... Today, I want to feel hopeless... we have lost another life. We have been told there is an unexplained mass behind my ovary, we have been told there is unexplained fluid in my pelvic area...we are told we have to wait until Monday morning for answers... so now we wait... wait in what anger? confusion? terror? feelings that have been flowing over in tears all day and night for the past 24 hours.
But again, now amidst the rain and the tears, hope is there. Hope that is directed by faith. I am writing now out of faith. My hope is now faith. I have faith that my God is not going to take this pain away from me or this process or these feelings away from me, I have faith he is going to take my hand and walk me right through it. I have faith he is going to hold my hand as I pen another line in my testimony that will one day be shared to reveal his glory. I have faith that even through all my anger and unrest at him, he will stand firm in his love for me as I continually crawl back into his arms for comfort. I have faith that one day I will enter heaven and will now have two children who never had to experience the pains of sin or this fallen world waiting for me with shouts and coos of "mommy". I have faith that again I will hope...because God is hope.
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About Me
- Emily
- One Heavenly Father who has granted me much grace and salvation, one amazing husband I am madly in love with, three (soon to be four) incredible children that I am crazy in love with,and a life blessed beyond belief!
4 comments:
What an awesome post. Thanks for sharing Em. I love you!
I have lost two and had a "molar pregnancy"... even after six healthy beautiful babies it doesn't get any easier. We experienced one last month. Sad. You are right, though, that it is laced in hope and faith brings you to the other side, closer to our Savior and trusting Him all the more. There is a time to mourn and cry and that's good because it sends us running to him... even if it is with confusion and questions. It doesn't change who he is...He is good..all the time.
If you are like me, you had already named her (I was convinced it was a she b/c God even gave me a name), held her and fell in love. My heart breaks with yours and rejoices in our hope. Praying there are more babies for both of us to love in our futures. Love you, Em... hold on to Jesus.
I love you Emily! Praying God continues to carry you guys and that you're pain will be a blessing as God allows you to minister into another person life through this.
thanks for being so transparent. you're on my heart and in my prayers.
-katie
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